Nicola
I'm Nic, welcome to I'm too old for this, the podcast where we ask the uncomfortable inspirational and rarely ask questions of those that have truly seen it all. I'm Nicola, your dating and relationships expert, who is joined by Heather and Mike, who found love at a later stage in life in a retirement village. Heather and Mike, it's so I'm so bluming, pleased to meet you because I watched the little video of you recently, and I was blown away by your story, and I suppose you'd call it a chance at second lover. You know, second time around, time around. I mean, I'm in a relationship after having been alone for what seemed like it's probably 12 years, and I thought I'm never going to meet anyone again. Do I want to meet anybody again? And will it be the same as as, you know, when I was a teenager, so that's what I'm interested in learning about your relationship. But tell me, how did you meet? How did it all come about?
Heather
Well, we both live in the same retirement village, and when Michael lost his wife and I lost my husband it was about 12 months apart. We both joined the committee in the village, right? And it's a small village, so it's not hard to get to meet everyone, and we're on the committee together, and really that's how, how we first met and got friendly, right?
Nicola
So before that, Heather, was it? Did you lose your partner as well? Yes, yes. And how long were you together? You with your 44 years? Wow, that is a long time. Yes, and you might. How long were you 1616? Years? Okay, also a long time. But you, did you feel like you were looking for love at that stage, or were you just away and shit, you go to the club for
Heather
not at all, right? And looking, I was quite happy. I don't get bored. I'm quite happy with my company, and I wasn't looking for a second love at all,
Nicola
right, right? You, Mike, got a sprinkle in your eye.
Mike
I wasn't looking at all. I nursed my late wife, and I was exhausted, to be honest, and all the trauma that goes with losing a loved one sort of piled up because I couldn't do much while, right? Laila was alive, but once she passed, then you've got to face the reality you're on your own, and you've got so much to do, and the thought of getting involved with another person never even crossed my mind, right? I suppose I made a mistake of getting on the residence committee, yeah, and talking to a certain person, and things just developed. Do
Nicola
you think there was like, I've been on a number of dates, and you know, instantly this, like, I'm going, No, but that's not going to work. That's not for me. Did you see there was a feel, there was an instant sparkle connection that you wanted to keep talking and
Mike
leave, let Heather
Heather
rain so well, he made we had happiest. Well, we do have happy hour every week, but back in those days, everybody in the village just about used to go up on Tuesday afternoons, we'd have this great big long table. We all talked to each other. Mike made the mistake of sitting opposite me and winking it. Oh,
Nicola
it was the wink that did. The wind that did,
Heather
oh yes, yes, and but it took a while for the friendship to really develop, yeah, and start going on holidays together, right?
Nicola
Was that just as friends? Or did you think there was something a little bit more
Heather
than No, it was really friends, friends, friends, yes, right? And company. Because, yeah, because my husband had been so ill after he retired, we never were able to go anywhere. And I'd only ever been overseas once, and that was to Fiji a long time ago, and and we got talking, and Mike's, I know his first the first comment I heard from him was, I want to go to China. And I thought, well, he can go on his own, because no way do I want to go to China. But did you go to talk? Yeah, China
Nicola
eventually, yes. So do you see like you both? It sounds like you both had to look after your loved ones, and that was exhausting, and a lot of ways. So do you see like you? This was an opportunity to reclaim some of that time where you could do things that you both wanted to do, but you'd found a companionship to do together.
Heather
It never thought about in terms of reclaiming something, the friendship just developed. And yes, we had lots of things. Things in common, and we found we could talk to each other. Yes, I think that was a very important part of it, because we just kept on talking to each other, and the more we talked, the friendlier we got.
Nicola
When do you think it was the moment that you went, Oh, did you both say I love you? Who said it first? Did it? Or was it just something that you intrinsically felt between each other.
Heather
I don't know it just happened. I can't remember. No, I think I remember at one stage saying, I said, I This isn't being what's the word. This isn't against grime or anything. But I said, I really think We're soul mates. I can't remember how long after we'd met that I thought that, but always remember, because Mike does a lot of cooking, and the first date, we had to call it a date. He invited me down and cooked me a roast lamb dinner. Lovely. And I remember my son saying, sent me a text and said, Mum, beware of men bearing gifts, even if it's a roast lamb dinner. Now, every time he cooks a roast lamb dinner, I send a message to Greg and say, we're having roast lamb tonight.
Nicola
Oh, that is so lovely. He's a keeper. Then obviously he cooks one night and I cook the other. Oh, that's good. So you do live together? No, well, well, I love that as well. Heather has her unit, yeah, I think that's a good idea. I
Mike
have my unit, yes. And we have breakfast and dinner together, yes, each day. So after dinner, it fits like Heather's. Heather comes to my place, yeah, and we spend the night together.
Heather
I like that. We've got our own space during the day. Should you
Nicola
need it? And I think I've noticed that with me, that I feel that as I've got older. When I was younger, it was all about, oh gosh, I want to live with them. I want to be with them forever and never leave that aside. I think as I've got older, I value my independence a little bit more, and I want my separate time and my space. So I think what you're doing is perhaps the way of the future. Who would have thought it
Mike
well, that works wonderfully. First, yes,
Nicola
yes. That will then keep doing it well.
Heather
I always remember my daughter in law because my son lived overseas for 22 years working, and she was in Perth with the children, and I always remember one day she said to me, Well, I met a friend of mine the other day, and they asked me if we'd separated. And I said, No, but I said, she said, I think the reason we're apart so much is the reason we haven't separated. I think it's a good thing to have your own space. And they've been now married almost 40 years. Now, there's something in it,
Nicola
in there, going back to love and finding this. Do you do you feel? Was it the same feeling like when I was a teenager? I was giddy, fluttery, I had, you know, all the feels, as the kids say, but and I remember going into this new relationship and think feeling the same and the same insecurities. Oh God, he hasn't rang me. Oh God, he hasn't taken Do you feel that love is the same this time round?
Heather
Or do you feel don't? Do you what do you think? What do you
Mike
know? No, when you're young, it's very what's the word I'm looking for? Impetuous, if you like, you jump at it, this, that, and the other thing, and then. But when you get older, yeah, you're right, a lot more consideration. Yes, you take it, not necessarily slowly, but a bit more carefully, right? You tend not to rush in. Yes, you just go along with the flow. Yes, and if it works out, which it does, that's fantastic, right? But I think you because you're older, you avoid a lot of the pitfalls that you would have met and had to handle when you're younger.
Nicola
Maybe I'm just still silly and stupid about the whole thing. You know, nothing
Mike
wrong with it. So as long as you're happy with Yeah, yeah. Happiness, I think, is the main thing
Nicola
now tell me you spoke about your children. You've both got children. I've got stepchildren. Has got two of her own. How did they feel about the relationship? Was there any issues? Were they
Heather
mine? Didn't have any issues whatsoever. No, they just thought it was. They just thought it was great. The only funny thing about it was there was a gentleman lived in the village, and he was this tall gentleman with his old straw hat. And when I said something to my daughter about having met Mike, and she drove in one day, and after she met Mike, she said, Oh, Mum, I'm so pleased he's got that old man in the straw hat. But. No, they didn't they No, no. And I think the relationship between my children and Mike's wonderful in some ways. He's treated just like the dad that's lovely and and Greg rings mike up quite a bit and tells him funny stories about work and things, and Kim's been very caring for Mike during some traumatic times with his health. She's looked after him so well,
Nicola
hasn't she? Yeah, she's so lovely. So you, both of you, grew families. You got additional people into your lives. Yes, right, yeah, at your retirement village, there'd be many people that live on their own. Now, is there any other you know? Is there any other couples that you know of out there? It's quite sad, because we have a community. Brightwater has a community of people that clients that live on their own. What would be your best advice for them to it's very hard to make that step for them. You've got a club on your doorstep within the retirement village. What advice would you give to those that live on their own, that are looking not so much. It may not be for love, it may be a companionship partnership. What advice would you give them? It's very hard these days for even younger people to meet
Heather
mate. Yeah, that's it. It's a tough
Mike
one, yeah,
Heather
because I think it's a lot well, I just take our village, and looking around, I think there's people in our village that wouldn't be interested in me, not interested. No one lady in particular, yeah, someone asked her something Monday, and she said, No way, once was enough. I'm quite happy on my own. I don't want a second relationship,
Nicola
fair enough. And I suppose it's good in the village that they're surrounded. You were surrounded. You've got that community access, you've got the community facilities, and that is quite happy now. Village
Heather
is quite small, really,
Mike
because the community of the village you if, if you're prepared to go to a social function, or whatever else the committee put on, then you're going to meet your fellow villagers, and hey, maybe a friendship Canterville. Yes, it did with us. But if you're in suburbia, in your own home, and you're not prepared to get up and go to a club or somewhere where you can meet people, meet other people, then you're going to be left alone. We have a burning question in the village at the moment, and that is, what can we do to ensure that nobody who has an accident in the home is left Yes, it's a burning question, because nobody can come up with a solution. I don't think there is a solution, to be honest, but if you're on your own, you have a fall, you have no means of communicate, communicating with the outside world. What can the outside world, in effect, do to help you? And sadly, the answer is nothing, because they don't know about you.
Nicola
It's quite sad. Look, we try to look, at least you have your community that seems to be looking out for each other. Yes, which is a great thing.
Heather
But the other thing is, all right, I check on the lady over the road every day. That's fine, but I'm not there. 24/7 so between when I check on her, perhaps her daughter rings her at night. She could have had a fall and be on the floor for three or four hours. You can't look after someone. 24 No, absolutely. You can't be caring for someone. Yeah, 24/7 unless you've been with them. Yeah,
Nicola
now I notice, and I might be wrong, you're not married. Are you? No, no. So what are your thoughts on marriage? Oh, it's
Heather
great. And no, we discussed this at length, really well. Mike has said he would love to marry me, so I'd like to marry you, but Right? It gets quite difficult with families, yes, you know, financial Yes, yeah. And also, if we got married, all right, you naturally move into one unit. You wouldn't live in separate units, and to give up two units, we'd have to sell both, right, and then buy another one back, right? It's too hard. It's too hard. You don't need to No, no, besides, and besides, it's
Nicola
perfect. You've got the perfect setup. That's right, it's
Mike
a setup I looked for when I was 17. Yeah, right,
Nicola
yeah. I think that's what we all aspire to. No, I think you've got it, you've got it fine, and as long as it works, that's right, yeah,
Mike
it works wonderfully well. And as Heather said, to get married, the financial costs are so high and they are high. Are. That just means that we're throwing an awful lot of money. Great, yeah, and we're not gaining
Nicola
anything. No, no, no, you could go on another holiday. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I think you should do it. What do you consider to be very important in a relationship? In your relationship that wasn't so important back then. What do you want? What do you look for from each other?
Mike
It's hackneyed word, but it's still applicable. Companionship. Yeah, I like that, yeah, yeah,
Heather
and give and take the other relationship as well. Yeah, I think you, you've got to be, we said, considerate, but understanding. And there's a sort of a difference between understanding and considerate. You've got to be more understanding of what your partner needs and try to accommodate them sometimes, and we both do it, we'll take a backward step, so the other one is looked after. You just say, well, you're
Nicola
you come first, yes, right? That's lovely.
Mike
It just happens. It's not a conscious thing, yeah, but it's just part of the relationship
Nicola
and compromise that's very that's a difficult one, compromising what bothers you about each other. You know, does he get on your nerves? Course,
Heather
now he can get a bit cross sometimes. And I just think, does he I just keep quiet. Yeah. Make him calm down. Yeah, yeah.
Nicola
I think we all get like that, don't we? Have you got? Is there anything from Heather that irritates you? Not really the dirt.
Mike
No, no. I haven't got any dirt spill.
Heather
Unfortunately, sometimes I might interrupt him when you're saying something, okay, sorry. Oh, I
Nicola
do that all the time. I do that all the time going back, like, going back to the age, ageism. And do you think? Do you feel like what your relationship is a surprise to some people, Given your age? Does it? Does it? Is it like, oh, you know, I think it's absolutely wonderful, and I feel like it gives hope to everybody that you know love is, is infinite. Do you feel like it's a bit of a shock to some people? Obviously, your family didn't seem so shocked. No,
Heather
they didn't think so. Yeah, I think everyone in the village, I don't know, they just seem to take it for granted, don't you? Well,
Mike
we've been together for 20 plus years, so I feel like we're an old American,
Nicola
you are. You are. That's another outstanding long relationship. In these days, it seems to relationships do come and go, and it's very easy to get divorce or to give up or to walk away.
Heather
The young ones seem to want to do it.
Mike
I think your point earlier about having your own space. Yeah, I think that's worked wonderfully well, yeah, for both of us, we're not together. 24/7 Yes. And by having the opportunity to do your own thing, yeah, even if it's just a certain land share and have a snooze, I think that helps the relationship wonderfully well,
Nicola
yes, my partner will be pleased to hear that, because he loves his own space. He'll be very happy with that. One. Do you ever have? Do you is there during this relationship where you've had time away, you've been away for a week or or two or no, it's what
Heather
apart from each yes, no, yeah, no, no, no, no. After my husband died, I had two months away. I packed up. I mean, my son was working in Holland at the time, so I packed up. He was here, of course, and he and I went back to Holland. I said, I'm staying with you for two months. I'm getting out, you know, just getting away from everything for three months. But at that stage, I knew Mike, but we hadn't really become friendly because he'd been looking after his wife. But no, since then, no, there hasn't been a time
Nicola
we haven't had a falling out, no argument, not really. Oh, damn it. Nothing that that, no, that is wonderful. Learn to bite my tongue. Yeah. I mean, we all have to do that, don't
Heather
we? In every Yes, every. But there has been a big no, blow up thing, no, anything like that. No,
Mike
it, no, you haven't decided to go home to
Nicola
mom, leaving you. Oh, just go next door.
Heather
Slam the door as you go, I'm going up the street,
Nicola
one of the things that I did want to ask is, you know, having lost your partners and then moving into the new romance, was there any guilt associated with that? Did you feel guilty about did you feel like you were doing, you know, a disservice to your previous. Partners or being disloyal to them? Well,
Heather
I didn't, because I, although we'd never discussed it, I knew that. Well, I didn't expect to meet anybody, but I knew if I did that my late husband wouldn't. He would have been happy that that happened. Yeah,
Nicola
that's so nice. Yes. What about you? Mike,
Mike
no, no guilt, because after the initial stage, after my wife's death, I realized that all my memories of my wife were happy ones, yes, and I was able to say, okay, I can leave the grieving at home. In the home, I'll grieve when I leave the home. I won't grieve, so to speak, and I had no guilt or feelings that let Lyla down at all. I felt that I'd done as much as I could for her, yeah, unfortunately, her family and most people agreed that I'd done a pretty good job. I will admit I asked questions as our relationship was developing, but I thought, well, to hell with them. Can I keep going? I'm enjoying myself too much. And so we just kept on
Nicola
going. Kept on going. That's lovely, because I don't think anybody would want anybody to be on their own. No. I mean, which leads me to the other question, should anything happen to either of you? Oh, would you move on? Could you see yourself moving on
Mike
again? Not me? No, way I'd be totally lost. Yeah, I were young enough to pick up and start over again back in the early 2000s but now it's 20 plus years later. We're a lot older, and if I was to lose Heather, I think I just collapse, yeah, simple as that, yeah, oh, that's I hate to think what, what would happen?
Nicola
Yeah. Well, no, nothing's going to happen. It's all going to
Mike
be one of
Nicola
us got to go first. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, that's lovely. What advice, and I may have asked you this, would you give to somebody that's older that thinks they are too old for this date in the relationship, malarkey? What would you say? What advice would you give them?
Heather
Well, if, if, if they felt that they met someone that they felt they might like to become more friendly with, try and give it a go. What about you? What do you reckon
Mike
you said they felt they were too old that limits the people you're talking about, irrespective of your age. Other than when you're a teenager, you've got to mix with people. And if you're in a retirement village, you are going to mix with people. And I believe that a lot of people can get friendly without anything happening, and have a very nice time going out together and things like that. So my advice is keep up your social interaction with your neighbors and your friends and your family, and if you do happen to meet somebody who is attracted to you, or you're attracted to them, just go along quietly and see how it develops. And if you're very fortunate, you have the
Nicola
jackpot, absolutely thinking about the future, and you're both obviously senior in years, as we all are, it's inevitable where we're
Mike
going. Well, would you like to say we passed our years by day?
Nicola
No, not yet. But have you spoken about what you both want for the end of you know, as far as so you both aware of each other,
Heather
each other, my
Nicola
daughter's aware, yeah, and you're all for both, all on the same page. Yes, they're difficult conversations. You know, you've both looked after partners before. Would you be prepared to do it again? Would you look after each other in ill health? It's very tough, isn't it?
Mike
I'd have no hesitations. I used to say to people, look when my wife started getting ill and started need a carer, I say, I'll never be able to handle that. I'm not a carer, not by nature, yeah, not by inclination, not by training, but when you love somebody and they need your.
Heather
Distance. You're not going to walk away. No, you know you just do
Mike
you make your mistakes, yeah, yes. And you have your moments, of
Nicola
course. But caring is
Heather
tough. It's a tough Yeah, do it as long as you can, of course, and then say, Yeah, I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I know I did it with Graham. You can't do this anymore. Yeah, yeah. Said to the doctor, can you please help me with care, because I can't do it. You get to that state? Well, I did, yeah, Mike didn't know. No, you didn't. But I had to get to the stage. I can't do
Nicola
it. Yeah, yeah, but you can't. You do you've done what
Heather
you I did what I Yes, you do your best.
Nicola
Now I want to lift the mood a little bit, right? And so I want you to tell me, this is one you've got to think about. We talked about this at work today. If you if your romance, if your relationship was a movie, ever? Mike and individually, what would the movie be? Now, mine might be Dumb and Dumber, just for instance, or gone with the wind as another instance. What would it's a tough one, isn't it? Oh, that is a tough one. Yeah,
Mike
I've got native
Nicola
Go on, then Mike. Come on. Magnificent obsession. I love it. Isn't that lovely?
Heather
Oh, that's I was. That's where the song, many splendid love comes from. And that's what I was going to I was thinking of that up on the hill when they many splendid love that. But it's the same movie.
Nicola
But, well, there you go, same page, aren't you? Yes, there you go. I think that's lovely. We'll see you next time on. I'm too old for this. I'm too old for this is brought to you by Brightwater. Brightwater creates communities where people connect and belong.